The Season of Grief

The season of grief is long and hard to carry…there is no timeline, no map, no check list on how to navigate through…and just when you think you have found your breath again, something else catches you off guard and you are back to being raw, weak, and completely unsure of your steps.

In January, it will be three years since I witnessed Father Dale guide my sweet husband into heaven.  I felt like he not only took half of my heart with him, but that someone cut off my legs and asked me to run for my life.

You cannot prepare for grief…you just don’t know until you do.  One thing cancer taught us early on was how to see life through a different set of lenses.  I felt surrounded and empowered every day we fought, and I saw the face of God everywhere.  But becoming a widow at 49 and then weeks later being thrown into a national pandemic…that was bigger than anything I have ever fought through, and I was lost.

I could not take my children’s pain from them, I could not love them big enough to squash their grief, and I could not find my words to pray.  It wasn’t my thoughts that were hard to quiet, it was learning how to hear God with my grief so loud.  “Be Still and know that I am God” had a different meaning.  I knew Him so deeply and my faith told me God was there, although I felt so alone.

I realized very early on that as the world was filled with COVID talk and political controversy, I had to protect my fragile heart.  I honestly could not understand all the hate.  Was I the only one that saw life so precious and fragile?  Was I the only one that knew loving and serving others was the only way to get out of pain and put life back into focus?   I knew in this season of darkness, the only thing that could pull me through was to keep God’s light as the center.

Through my husband’s cancer journey I felt like a warrior wearing the armor of God…today I feel like a child being carried by her Father.  Everyday learning something new.  Making mistakes, being vulnerable and allowing Him to teach me to walk again.  My devotion today started off saying, “Grow strong in your weakness”.

I have no idea who God is growing me to be or what my future holds, but I do know that He is in every moment I choose to find Him.  He is my strength, and I am grateful for a God who loves me so big.  I am also so blessed to be a part of this community that shows me the face of God every day. ❤️